I think that is why I used to drink all the time, and use drugs, to stop the perpetual movement of my body and mind. I dont think it's a bipolar thing, seems different than mania, because of it's forever presence.

I have a bottle of vodka in my cupboard, I was just looking at it and thinking. I'm in no danger of abusing substances again. It's been there for three years. But I did just think about mixing it with something, god knows what cause all there is in this house is water, almond milk and tea. None of which sound too appealing.

I wonder sometimes if I have made such strick rules for myself that I have a hard time letting go... Fear maybe.