I desperately want paid work, in a job with health benefits. You will see why, below. I woke up this morning in a panic, shaking like a leaf, because since 2007/8, we have lost almost everything. We are holding on by a slender, tattered thread. Every day, I take a step forward, but am continually assaulted by shocks from the outside world, which throw me for a total loop.

I am tremendously well qualified: advanced degree, tons of experience, technical expertise, and great work ethic. My husband, who is equally well qualified, has the only job he can find: it pays $15/hr., no benefits, and he is docked for every minute he is away - going to the bathroom, eating lunch, etc. This has been going on since I was laid off just as the recession began. We have no health insurance – COBRA ran out long ago, as did unemployment. We have spent all our saving just trying to stay afloat. We have two beautiful children we adore, and I weep for them every day. I want so badly to create a safe, nurturing environment for them, and my grip is growing weaker and weaker due to the stress. We have no money (example: nothing to eat for dinner tonight). We've applied for every social program available: they are in the business, it seems, of losing documents and saying "no."

I apply and apply and apply. I contact friends and ex-colleagues. As I do this, to no avail, we have slowly lost everything - almost. My family of origin is well off but has abandoned me (husband’s family has all passed away).

Over the past 8 years, I've also fought (successfully) metastatic breast cancer, endless harassment by the IRS (3 audits - all of which showed we had overpaid our taxes), having been bullied on my last job, and endless threats by creditors. We just got audited again (why? we have nothing to collect! They even asked to see our mortgage statements, which are automatically sent to the IRS anyway).

If I can't get paid work, I can't pay my bills. We are totally on the edge. We could lose the house we have lived in since 1995 at any minute. I wake up in the morning feeling so hopeless I wish I were never born. It's not so much about me: it's about my children. I don't want their lives to be catastrophic. I want them to be safe, secure, and happy.... like I have so rarely been. I don't need advice – people love to give you useless advice and blame you for your problems. (Another reason to hate that “law of attraction” bs – as if the Tsunami victims in South East Asia were swept under the waves because they had ‘bad attitudes.’ Ridiculous)

I need two things: help, and realistic hope -- hope that turns into something tangible. I have worked so hard to hang on to both but I am exhausted. As I apply and apply and apply – to no avail - we have slowly lost everything - almost.

I go to religious services. I do reach out. I call and call and call, to God, to the light within and without, to others. Increasingly, I wonder - is anyone there?