These past six months have been the most difficult for me. I used to go out drinking and having fun with my friends and well since February 7th of this year, I haven't wanted to leave my house...
I'm not myself since I watched my Grandpa (the man who raised me and called me his daughter) die at home... I can't sleep, because everytime I close my eyes I see him there lying in his bed at home just me and him in his room and he opened his eyes looked at me and then his eyes rolled back into his head. I shouldn't have even been there when he died, but I came home on my lunch hour and grandma was going to run to the bank since I was there if he needed anything and he waited until I was alone to leave me... He died of heart failure and everything I tried to do to bring him back didn't work.
It's been 6 months and I miss talking to him and hearing him talk back to me. I miss his smell, the first few months I could only sleep in his bed to fall asleep and now with grandma out of town visiting my aunt, I can't even go upstairs because I keep hearing his heavy breathing in the back of my head...
I miss him so much and none of my friends understand what I'm going through because they've never watched anyone die and they all think I'm crazy...
Writing poems used to help me whenever friends died, but with Grandpa it's different...
LOSING YOU...
Written by me, Anna Marie
I knew the day was coming, when you would leave our lives When we found out you had cancer, the doctors said,You wouldn't live more than three years,
But you were optimistic and you would prove them wrong You outlived their estimations and gave us nine years instead.
The last year, you were always so tired and rarely left your bed, Then you went in the hospital with Pneumonia and sores on your feet I was selfish and didn't pay full attention to the signs So, I only went to the hospital to see you once the entire time I spoke to you on the phone four days prior, And you sounded like you were doing great They sent you home three days later And your selective hearing got better I tried to get you to eat applesauce because without helping take care of you It seemed like my life had no cause You asked grandma to hit me, To get me to leave you alone Yet for the first time in seventeen days You were with us both at home I remember leaving for work on Tuesday morning I told you I loved you as I kissed you on the forehead Like you had done with me when I was young Then during my lunch hour I came home with your van To wait for my brother to take me to get my car Grandma needed to run to the bank and asked me to stay with you And get you whatever you may need
As she went down the stairs your eyes, they opened
And you looked at me in pain Then so quickly they changed as I watched As I witnessessed the moment I always feared Your eyes rolled back into your head
And I knew then that you were dead I yelled for Grandma to come back Because of what I saw
I called the paramedics and I tried to Bring you back with CPR. The EMT's arrived and were checking you out As I sat at the computer staring into your room I had my doubts They then told Grandma that there was no hope I freaked out and realized there was no way that I could Cope I didn't want anyone to touch me, I stood alongside your bed I held your hand so tightly hoping a pulse in your thumb might be read I felt nothing but clamminess on your skin, I didn't expect you to go so soon, because you promised me That you'd live to one-hundred and two You were my other dad, my entire life You even told people I was your Daughter Yet, the last thing you said to me was to go away, I felt so bad, because your final words to me made me feel like a stray I wish you hadn't left me, because now I am so lost I have a hard time sleeping, because I miss you, Oh so much I try to catch myself from slipping when I call grandma to checkin Because I keep wanting to ask how you're doing, even though you're gone I know I need to be strong for Grandma, but it's way too hard Because you always loved me and didn't want to see me harmed And you always stood beside me with an open heart and mind
It's going to be forever, before I can get you out of my mind Because you were my entire life.. You took me travelling all the time growing up And to blame for my love of Nature and saving wildlife. You helped send me to Italy, to see the world before my eyes Because you wanted me to embrace new challenges throughout my life I never will forget you, the thought will never cross my mind And I won't break our agreement, when special moments should arise I'll find flowers as pretty as grandma that are so fragrant and alive And I'll give them to her from you, since we wouldn't allow you to drive I will always love you that is not a lie, because you brought me up quite fine You showed me how to give others a chance before I made conclusions in my mind And I guess whats most important is you showed me how to love others
At the same time...
Knowing you are watching over me, I think that someday I should be alright Although, right now I'm not quite ready, Because I'm still trying to get everything straight in my mind.

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No one understands that I don't want to go out all the time that I want to stay home that I'm not the same cheerful person I used to be...