I saw newT today, and the session went well. We talked about how maybe during the months of termination that I felt xT pulling away and he agreed that I might not have been able to NOT be clingy.

The attachment is being transferred from oldT to newT, and I could really FEEL it at the end of the session. I told him this, and he said maybe I could feel him pulling away now. True. I guess I did. It felt like compulsiveness, the only way I know how to describe it. Intellectually, I wasn't thinking, I have to be clingy now. In fact, when session was over, I sat in my car writing him a note about how I could feel the attachment feeling? compulsive feeling? I don't know, but I could feel it. My intellect, as I said before, was really not involved. It just sat there thinking, Okay, I'm feeling compelled to call him. My emotions were focused on doing just that. Why did I need to call? Reassurance.

At the end of session, I asked if I could email, and he said that basically he was going to a conference that talked about therapy and emails, but no was the answer for then. I was fine with that, it did ramp up my attachment pull feeling, but it wasn't life shattering. I told him I was fearful of becoming dependent upon him and wanted to work on not doing this. He said that he didn't know if I could stop being dependent, and that the way to work through it is through talking about it and basically accepting it.

I felt compelled intensely at the end and after session and I was, honestly, terrified that I'd been too intense, and that my attachment issues were going to be too much for him. I was worried that he would think, "What a piece of work, why did I get this referral? I drew the short stick."

Basically, I was afraid that he felt how intense my emotions were and that he might decide that I"m not worth it.

I don't need to email him, I don't need to have two sessions with him, I feel like these feelings are removed from him while being pointed at him at the same time. I think with just this, and his accepting ways, that I will be able to get better.

He goes on vacation the week after next, so that will be interesting. He has, from what I hear thus far, the same beliefs that I do. He believes in looking to the root of the problem, and not judging people for who they are at the time. He told me that I could bring in some of my Bromberg books/passages to share with him if I wanted, because I told him that they speak to me.

I am going to do this, I am going to get through this, and with help, I might be able to function and possibly be happy somewhere down the road. I can only hope, but at least I have hope.