Thank you so much, Patty.

I've not slept well at all--much of this due to being on my period (my sleep's always erratic then, even at home). The beds are most comfy, and I have my walkman to lull me to sleep when I can.

"Unfamiliar territory"---that is the perfect phrase to explain how I feel. It is all highly unfamiliar. That's what's so difficult, partially.

Yesterday afternoon I had a 2-hr nap (energy for the concert), and despite using my sleep machine, I felt as if I'd never laid down at all. Because of full-body aches and overall worn out, my friend kindly went around the corner and picked up takeout dinner which we ate in the hotel.

The venue was a few blocks from the hotel. Excited, we walked briskly...being so overweight I got winded quickly. We arrived at the venue, and once inside saw it was 3-floors, and all required stairs. I was still pretty winded but we trudged up the stairs, & one knee started to hurt. I could feel my temples pulsing like mad--(I have a physical condition where in certain temperatures and degree of activity can cause me to become overheated and sometimes leads to hives), I knew instantly I had to stop moving. So we leaned against a wall for a bit. I felt so bad; my friend is a tiny thing, and she kept having to stop to stay with me. It was so embarrassing; my face beet red and sweat running down. We find drink area and get bottled waters...I knew I needed to lower my body temperature fast. I held two against my face/neck, other was for my friend. This little game went on for awhile. I saw many people as overweight as me, or bigger, and they had no problem trekking the stairs...I know I retain a lot of water in addition to the added weight---maybe that's it?

Get into the concert hall and it's general seating, so we get in the bottom balcony. I've still not cooled off to a comfortable level, so I keep applying the water bottles. Once I realize nothing physically dire's going to happen, I ease a little. But I start looking around (venue seats 2000), and the sea of people getting up, sitting down, walking back and forth, began to trigger my anxiety. The guys behind us could NOT stop showing off to one another about the various musicians they'd seen, at what venues, etc. One guy across the rows from us glanced repeatedly at us throughout the concert. The show hadn't begun so the house lights were on and entirely too bright. I took half of my P. attack med before we left the hotel; it hadn't kicked in and my anxiety was accelerating quickly. I then took a whole. The opening band came out and began to play. At that moment, I had a full-on Panic Attack....couldn't sit still, heart racing, spaciness, my ears sort of felt stuffed up, trying to catch my breath. By this point the lights were down, thankfully. I focused on breathing as best I could; my friend was wonderful; she rubbed my arm during the entire episode (which was about 45 min.). I started crying, etc. It was nothing short of awful.

When Fiona Apple came out, I had slooowly started to calm down. I did not anticipate her band having strobe lights; dizziness ensued & I had to shut my eyes a lot. During the performance ppl were CONSTANTLY getting up to get a beer, sitting back down, getting another one, one of the "seating ppl" kept coming down to warn ppl not to take pics (for this specific concert it was off limits). One thing after another.

Fiona performed beautifully; she was in her element and played most of my favorite songs. I told my bud when the show was over let's wait until most of the ppl filed out before heading back downstairs; I didn't want to slow anyone down. We get to the merch table, get a shirt, and all the security ppl are pushing everyone to get the ***** out. I asked if I could use the restroom; "Do it quickly," was one's reply. By the time we left the streets were dead and we walked back in peace. We talked about how much we disliked the venue---all the bands I've seen played in clubs of various sizes, but with smaller capacity, so this was new to us. We were both very uncomfortable there, and she said at one point she considered asking me if we could leave (I'd paid the tickets); I told her I wish she had, I gladly would've.

Back at the hotel we start packing a lil to leave later this morning. I tell her that, while I know I shouldn't, having the panic attack at the concert made me feel like a complete failure. Even though I made it all the way over to this city, dealt with listening to ppl yelling at one another in the street below our building, the constant traffic everywhere we turned. Despite handling all of that pretty well, the attack simply left me drained, defeated and ashamed. The non-ideal layout of venue didn't help, nor did the near-asthmatic episode of trudging my severely overweight body up all the stairs help either. I just know I was glad when it was over, and I felt--and feel--like I took a huge step back. Even at home I prepared myself I might have an attack or two...yet it has been so hard. What made it so bad was being there in the middle of all those ppl, trying to keep it together.

I've slept...close to 4 hours tonite. We leave this am and head to my aunt and uncle's house, which I'm looking forward to quite much; I haven't seen them in years, and they're very kind and accommodating--like staying at a bed and breakfast.

My friend and I are both weary from the trip, and she doesn't even have anxiety issues. I dunno....at this point I almost feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Being sleep deprived isn't helping. Yay menstruation!

Thanks for reading everybody. I'm going to attempt more sleep.