Please get to some help. I said good bye to everyone last yr and would have followed thru if my dil hadnt found a sneaky way to make it impossible while just sitting and talking to me for hours ( I never suspected she had done what she had to prevent me from following thru my plans ). Strangest thing, the next morning I still had the same problems, I hadnt won the lottery, nothing had changed- but ME. Somehow just not being able to do what I had intended when I had intended it seemed like it was no longer an option. I dont know how to explain it- still doesnt make sense to me really. But what I'm trying to say Dubblem, what feels hopeless- no solution- no way to make things better- even the thought things would be better for OTHERS if they didnt have to deal with you - all of that is this stinkin disease we all share whispering garbage in your head!! And if you just do whatever you HAVE to to wait until it quietens down again so many ppl will be so relieved and blessed that you are still here. Especially US!