(((lostgman))),

Well, in this situation especially, I feel that "all" men struggle. I would have to say that from the woman's standpoint, most women want the man to be "gentle and kind and understanding". And if the woman "does" try to have intimacy, I think that one of the ways that she may become "hesitant" is that it will just be thought of as "ok we can get back to a regular schedule". And that is "not" the way a woman typically wants it to happen. So, many times the woman will "avoid" because you are right, it is a very difficult thing to discuss. And, while I don't know your wife, I would safely say that with her finally addressing all the emotions about this difficult history, she probably doesn't know how to feel about being intimate. It is different now, it's not about "pretending" anymore or whatever way she had been able to be intimate.

I am not even sure your wife would know how to talk about it right now either. It is probably something that is "confusing" to her as well. That is why it probably would be better to find out from the therapist where your wife's thoughts are right now.

The one thing I would say is to make sure you hug your wife and be caring without making her feel like there is an agenda to touching and caring. And remember, there may be many times where it will be "hold me" then "I can't be held" and need to just move around or collect my thoughts. And this is "not" about you or if she loves you etc, it is only about her not really knowing about her worth in being intimate. It is a very confusing time IMO.

I think that the goal should be about her being "ok" to "not" feeling like she "has" to do anything right now. I think it would be easier for her if she felt that you were more concerned about her having space and feeling safe with you and that she can rely on you as man who will give her love without "wanting" or "trying to take from her".

This is an area that is going to be a challenge for her IMO. What she is going to have to find her way to is being able to see that you are "the safe place for her to be ok with being intimate". I would say that the best case scenario would be for her to be the one that "takes" eventually, so she knows that it is "her choice" and not about her having to "give in" somehow.

I think the most important direction your wife needs to find her way to psychologically, is to realize that,
"Even though she was a victim, she survived and she married a good man, has three beautiful children and is a good mother and wife. That even though she was hurt, she still took back her life and was strong and did deserve that all along." Whatever she faces now is just something she needs to finally work through to a point where she realizes on a conscious level that while she was a "victim" and "that needs to be validated" it didn't truely "break her or take away her value as a good woman and mother". And "now" she will no longer have to "run" anymore. She no longer has to feel shame either. She is not alone in being a victim either and she has "overcome" in many ways already. She is going to finally be validated, appreciated and respected and it really will be "ok". And what she is doing now in therapy is she is finally taking back all of herself now in a healthier way. It is going to be "ok". Whatever comes that is a challenge is just something she has not worked through "yet", but it will be resolved now.
Does that make sense?

Open Eyes