I have struggled with severe anorexia, struggled with bulimia, Coe and back thru all of them again. Mostly anorexia but I do purge .....it has been an up and down struggle for over 2O years. Most recently I was almost hospitalized this summer but ( as usual) chickened out and thought I could gain the weight on my own. I am someone who seems to go downhill in therapy and do better (more or less) when I am on my own.

So now I have been gaining and am probably considered the low end of healthy weight and it is absolutely killing me. I know there is no peace in a number on the scale but there is great distress in the number that is staring back at me. In these moments I feel like purging but (and I am ashamed to admit this) I purge up streaks of blood every time now so I am really trying to cut back on that. I know, I sound like a mess. I've had years where I have just made peace with my curves and allowed my body to heal and do what it wants, but somehow I always stumble back into it. Anyways, I am miserable at the moment and trying to avoid purging so thought I would take the plunge and post here. Thanks for listening..