I have been experiencing increased heart problems--particularly since the last time I stayed in a motel about a month ago--and took some OTC medication, to well, clean myself out, I guess--part of my eating habits and weight issues, and stress relief. What I took was strong--like the kind prescribed for people prior to colon exams and procedures. Its become my drug of choice since I first tried it, in spring, I think. I'd stay a night in a motel and take it (with other related OTC's) once or twice a week--occassionally three times in a week. My last time was almost a month ago. I have wanted to and I still do, but I haven't been able to because of financial matters initially, then my schedule. Today is my day off work and I had been hoping to have more "festivities" tonight.

I am scared that at this doctor appointment he might ask questions about eating issues and if I have taken any OTC meds, any--ok I'll say it this once--any purging. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO ADMIT SOMETHING LIKE THAT! It is embarrassing! How can I do such a thing?! To tell a doctor--actually ADMIT doing these things?! I am scared. I want my heart problems to improve. I had a really bad episode yesterday and left work early. I just couldn't think and concentrate. I emailed the doctor's office and they wanted to eval me at an appointment before increasing my dose of atenolol. I had vented and emailed my pcp a couple of months ago ("off the record" to his *private* business email, which I am not supposed to know but learned when I used to work for a sister business to his office group) on a really bad day that I had learned through my T that my pdoc was thinking that I might have an eating disorder. Since then, I finally got signed up for electronic access to my medical record, including on-the-record email communications for questions and Rx refill requests. I am hesitant to increase the dose on my own, so I logged in and emailed them about what was happening. The skipped beats were severe yesterday and they seemed concerned about that.

I don't know what to expect. I am afraid to talk about eating and weight issues. If my "secret" comes out and everybody gets to know everything, they will all be watching me and wanting me to change---I will be so stressed out---this has been my comfort zone, my safety net---for several years. I know that starvation and everything has bad health effects but this has become my coping skill. I am afraid to change.