Hi there KH.

I hope I can be of some help.
Firstly, please let me say that I am sorry your relationship with the guy in the first paragraph went so poorly.

I don't think it is good for you to hold this guilt over your head though. When a relationship ends on such rough terms, coming to terms with the unexpected loss of such an emotionally significant aspect is very difficult. I think your college "friend" took advantage of your emotional state...a state that wasn't entirely "you," you know? I think it is best for you to let the guilt go KH...we all make mistakes, it's a part of life. The best you can do is learn from your mistake, and move on with life.
I am especially sorry over the second relationship...you spoke very powerfully over how you felt for him, and I could almost feel that in your post.

I confess, I am rather ignorant of the Indian caste system (I live in the United States), and I hope you will pardon that ignorance, as I can't incorporate what I don't fully understand into a response. With that in mind...is he as an option totally out of the question? Are you and him still on good (if any) terms? I do understand at the very least that the castes are an important aspect, but I don't comprehend to what extent. Again, please forgive me of that.
However KH, I would tell you that you're still a young woman, and you have plenty of time to find "the one."

Just don't lose hope...it's only when you lose the hope to find him and quit trying that the opportunity is lost to you.
As far as the masturbation goes, I would tell you that it is perfectly and 100% okay, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

I do understand (rather well this time too

) that there is a huge variance among cultures over the "taboo" status of masturbation, but speaking practically, I think you would be incredibly hard pressed to find someone who doesn't. I do think you might have a hard time finding someone who
admits to it, but admittance doesn't mean it isn't done. There is absolutely no need to feel disgusted with yourself...you are a young woman in her prime, and this is a perfectly natural part of life. You are completely normal.
I would hazard a guess and suggest that the crying may be a response to the break ups, particularly if the memory is still fresh. Additionally, it isn't going to help if you feel guilty every time you masturbate.

Try to understand that the connection you felt with your significant others isn't lost to you...it's just not there right now. You can find it again.

Don't let the natural pain of a breakup evolve into despair and depression. You deserve better than that.
I hope I was of some help KH. I wish you my absolute best, and I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
My best,
Harley