Hi...I didn't know where else to go, but this seemed to be the place to be. I'm a 33-year-old married mother of one teenage boy, and I think I'm losing my mind. I have been scouring the internet for a while, trying to figure my brain out. Here goes...
USUALLY I pride myself in being level-headed, numb, and emotionally untouchable after the things I have seen and lived through, and I assure you, it's been a lot. I worked for over 5 years in a male psyche unit and also worked at the local prison here in town, so I (thought) I knew all there was to know when it comes to the human mind and the many disorders, but whatever I've got has me stumped.
It all started on Facebook. I (was) on a watchdog group (I had to completely quit), but we reported the hard-core pedophile pages. Not just teens showing off their junk...this was grown men doing things to toddlers and babies. I found all of these pages, reported all of them, reported the photos, and something inside my mind broke. I mean, it literally SNAPPED. The horrific things that I've had happen to myself, and seeing it again on the faces of those kids...there are no words to convey how much I hate these people.
Anyway, I knew something was "off" with myself, and I told the group I needed to take a break. 2 days later, for NO reason whatsoever, I think I had some kind of major flashback/anxiety attack while I was sitting at my desk at work...everything that was wrong and horrible and bad in this world came crashing down on me, and I couldn't "remove" myself from feeling this. Usually, I pull out my hair or my toenails, just to make something else on my body hurt so I don't have to feel it in my heart, I guess. Sounds stupid, I know. I'm down to 5 and a half toenails now.
The attack passed after 15 minutes, like it never even happened. I just figured, "Meh, I must be hormonal or something." And it happened again after I got home. I was sitting at my computer, picking away at editing the novels I'd written, and again, it felt like I was going to die in the immediate future. I wanted to go into the kitchen, find the paring knife and carve this blackened hurtful thing out of my gut/heart/brain/whatever. I don't know what it is that actually "hurts" when this happens, but it is HUGE and it's EVERYWHERE, all at once. That one lasted for half an hour.
I get approximately 5 of these "freakouts" a day, and I'm going on day-number-4. I told my husband to take the clips from the guns and hide them (he saw one of these for himself earlier this afternoon). It was a stupid thing to say, but when I'm "stuck" in one of these things, all I want to do is end it. He wouldn't drive because he thought it would come back (after it was over) and throw myself out on the interstate.
The thing is...while these horrific episodes are happening, I can hear myself in my mind. I say, "What the hell? You're FINE, what are you freaking out about? Knock it off, nothing's wrong at all!! You have a job, a home, a family that loves you KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY." I can't even talk myself down like I usually can. And this crushing, burning, gnawing terror that takes over...I can't breathe, I can't move, I can't even begin to pick up a phone to call for help. For the first time in a long time, I am terrified of something I cannot see, and I don't know when it's coming until it's already "got" me.
I've had anxiety attacks before (MANY times), but never in my 33 years have I ever wanted to kill myself because this imaginary monster is "too big" for me to fathom. My husband told me I've been having the night terrors again, except the one night, (3 nights ago) he said I busted out laughing in my sleep. Which is AMAZING considering I've been battling insomnia for a few months now. Also, I've lost something like 10-13 lbs. in the past few weeks without even trying. That worries me.
I don't know what to make of any of this. I'm guessing it's got to be either a chemical or hormonal imbalance of some sort, or maybe both. All I know is, when this stuff happens, I am so afraid that I can and will do something that will make it stop. I don't know what else to do. He wants me to see a doctor tomorrow, and they'll put me back on the zoloft, but the last time I was on that I developed an arrythmia (sp?) in my heart, where it would come almost to a complete stop, wait a second (which was when I'd black out from a drop in blood pressure) and then begin again. I quit the zoloft cold turkey (like a ninny) and dealt with 6 months of brain-zaps.
Sorry to prattle on like a crazy lady, but I'm desperate and hope that someone knows what this could possibly be. I don't think I have a whole lotta time.
---Mama Char-Lee