Thanks for all your kind words. It was nice to see that I'm not alone.

I feel better now. Just venting a bit and crying helped to get things "out of my system" a little, and then sleeping on it always does that too.

I know what I want, in some cases very specifically, but I always find it so hard to get there. Even if it's something simple that I could easily do, I'll find reasons against it and get scared and then just end up staying in my comfort zone. Like meeting new people, going on a trip etc. It always seems easy in my head, but then I just can't get myself to actually go through with it because I'm scared it'll go wrong.
And then there are of course also big things that I just don't have much influence on, like finding a partner. I can't force someone I like to fall in love with me. Or getting stable enough to get a job; that's just something that's out of my reach at this point.

But I'm starting to learn to take more risks and really live for the moment.

And I'm actually pretty good at doing things for myself and trying to do what makes me happy. It's just that I can't enjoy it as much as I used to; but I guess that's depression for you.