I want to thank everyone for their help this morning.

Sadly, I wasn't able to do both. I sat in my car with my scrapbook in my lap, but I couldn't get out of the car with it. The thought of showing it to my T, the awkwardness, and the potential for judgement and foolishness were very overwhelming. My hands were shaky, and I felt like I was going to hurl. Any time I tried to get out of the car, it was like all the blood rushed to my head and was pounding in my ears.

I finally said 'forget the scrapbook' and got out of the car. I was already 5 minutes late. T asked/mentioned that I didn't have the book. I said I brought it, but lost my nerve to bring it up. I said it was giving me too much anxiety. She said sometimes people do things even though they're anxious about them. I guess I didn't properly convey the amount of panic I felt.

I did mention that I was frustrated by all the cancellations and time changes. She pointed out that two of the five instances of cancellation were due to vacation (which is true, and I hadn't remembered). Again, I don't think I properly conveyed that it made me feel worthless. I just didn't feel safe/comfortable enough to say something that vulnerable. T was kinda just like...'yes, it isn't usual that I have so many scheduling issues, but I don't foresee it being a habit outside of the holiday season'. No sort of apology or anything.

Pretty crap session all together. I think I worked hard to further push T away from me. Idk why she has to keep mentioning her other patients every freaking session. And yet I hate that I'm now the person bothered that she has other patients.