hi there in my opinion, god isn't punishing you, god loves you! it only feels like god is punishing you due to the way your life is as a result of the bad things that have happened to you. but it's not god that has done these things (abuse) to you, and god will make those people answer for it when their time comes.

plz don't take what i say next wrongly, i.e. as harsh, it's meant with love as i often feel the same way you do! god only wants what is best for us and wishes only to help us, but we also have to do the best we can to help ourselves. i.e. god may present us with an opportunity that would be fantastic for us ... if we're too scared to take it, what is god supposed to do?

i'm really truly sorry things are so bad you feel you'd be better off dead and im so sorry im not a good advice giver but you have my thoughts and care.