**** this.

I rarely have thoughts like this, of self injury. I get thoughts about it but I have only acted on it once and found myself just as frustrated as before. I'm not going to cut or do anything, but all I can do is stare at my skin and obsess. I am generally a passive, calm person on the outside, but on the inside I am a depressed and/or frustrated person. I just feel empty. I need closeness and connection and I don't feel like I can get that right now. The only person I get that from is my T and I didn't see her this week cause of schedule conflicts. We went over a lot of tough stuff last session, she had me in twice that week cause of some flashbacks I'd been having. She even brought her therapy dog in for me and I think that's why I'm really spiraling out right now. I finally got a taste of someone doing something for me that was caring and it was something without strings attached to it, I don't have to return any favors. I don't know if I'd say that I am attached to her really, I think I'm attached to the warmth that comes from her. I've always just wanted someone who cares and I've never had a consistent example of that in my life, and now this week without getting that feeling, the feeling of abandonment creeps in.

It's a gross overreaction, I shouldn't even feel this way, she offered in my last session to open up some times for me this week so I could see her but I said no and that I'd be fine without. Obviously that's not the case. I'm too weak to accept help. It doesn't make sense. Now I have to wait till Monday to see her...this is going to be a long weekend. She doesn't know I get these urges and I'm not going to tell her anytime soon. I don't know how to bring it up, and because I never act on them I don't see the point really. I have a handle on it but I don't, I guess. How do I tell her something like this without any "proof"? I feel like she wouldn't believe me if I have no proof that I've ever cut (cause I have but only once)...I don't want her to think I'm just some attention seeker, I'm not. I'm just beyond calmness at the moment...

Thanks for reading my rant.