I would love to have a dog. I've wanted one ever since I was little. I am a very very animal-oriented person and have grown up with many pets, but never a dog (dad doesn't like them). My therapist knows how much more comfortable I am with an animal around and that's why she brought him in, so I could have something to hold onto while I talked... Unfortunately, being a college student in an apartment, we can't have dogs, so I have to hold off a bit longer. It really is a struggle for me to have no pets, I miss their comfort so much.

I'm too afraid to tell T. I don't know what she'll think, and I don't want the extra attention that comes from it, I don't want to talk about it all the time. I just want to get rid of the feelings behind it. I think she'll find me weak and stupid for even considering it. At the moment she thinks I'm brave and a "fighter." I don't want her to lose that sight of me. I don't want to appear weak to her. That always causes me such turmoil...

The only soothing things I've ever really had were my animals...now that's been taken away from me and all I'm left with are distractions. Distractions aren't soothing, they're just annoying because no matter what, in the end, the distractions will always fail you and you're mind just floats back right to wherever it was before. I need new coping skills but I have yet to find anything that works for me... listening to calming music is about as close as I get.

Thank you for responding lynn, even if you don't SI yourself. I needed to hear something from somebody, thanks.