Hi guys. A bit of background: I used to be on this forum a few years ago when my depression was at its peak and I had really strong suicidal ideation, then I was hospitalized and got on a good combo of meds and felt sort of better for a while. I graduated from high school shortly after my hospitalization and went to college where I started cutting, which I have now stopped.

Compared to the time I was on this forum last, I am doing a lot better, but I feel myself slipping again, not into suicidal ideation quite yet but into that hopeless sort of state and not feeling like my life could possibly end up... nicely.

I get to go home for fall break next week and when I get home, we have to take my first kitty, Sunny, to the vet to be euthanized. Tonight I had a total breakdown/multiple panic attacks after waking up from a horrific nightmare about her imminent death. Right now, I just feel numb. I sat in the shower for about two hours and cried hysterically, fighting off the urge to self-harm.

I can't stop thinking about how eventually, I am going to have to go through the deaths of everyone I have ever loved, all the people closest to me, that includes my pets. I have these scenarios in my head where I'm like, "if that ever happened to me I think I would just kill myself", for example, my mom or my little brother dying. It really upsets me and at the same time, it's inevitable.

I'm just having a lot of trouble coping, and while I'm not concerned I will hurt myself to the point of death (yet), I feel like I'm losing myself and drifting into that place that I used to be in. I'd really like some insight on coping strategies and how to keep myself from that dark place.