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Thanks guys,
Dark_Heart X.... When I took the Anti-depressants I was ill. I was very suicidal and self harming like crazy, plus I was working full time and HAD to be normal. Now I don't work and I am very rarely depressed to that stage again and ok I do self harm but not as much. I was worse off before I was put on Mood Stabliser/Anti-Psychotic meds.
Generic......
1. Do I drink coffee and tea? Am I a big fan of chocolate? No to tea or coffee and yes to chocolate. I don't eat that much maybe a small bar a day if that?
2. To I use alcohol at all? I do drink but it is very rare can go months without drinking
3. Am I a big sugar lover? Yes I like sugary things but it is rare as I have to be careful about my teeth (I am protective over them lol)
4. Do I eat a lot of refined white flour products? Not really
5. Am I a big meat eater?I do like meat maybe 4 times a week I have meat
6. Do I like fish and often have it (2 to 3 times per week) I do like fish but I do nto eat it often
7. Do I drink plenty of purified or distilled water? I drink diluting juice and some water but not a fan of plain water
8. Am I a big dessert eater? Oh God Yes!!
9. Do I eat a lot of hot dogs, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, etc.? French fries? No not really
10. Do I like salads and manage to have one every day? Not every day maybe once or twice a week?
11. Do I cook fresh vegetables often? Yes
12. Do I drink diet or regular soft drinks? How often? Diet soft drinks. A lot more since I left my job maybe 4-5 glasses a day?
13. Do I sleep well and have a regular time each night to go to bed? No my biggest issue. Have been an insomniac since I was a kid and its never really got any better. I do take Serequol XR at night to aid me to sleep.
14. Do I eat a lot of dairy products, such as milk, cheese, yogurt, cream, sour cream, butter, etc.? Not really maybe once or twice a day?
15. Do I smoke cigarettes or use "recreational drugs"? No to both
I have been feeling mildly manic over the past few days. My Support Worker texted me the following day to see how I was doing which was nice of her. I am seeing her again on Thursday and another Support Worker on Tuesday..... she is also the manager so I will get support twice next week which is very rare. My Support Worker has said I am really hard on myself and that I have a lot of sellf hatred for myself. I have low self-esteem.... I always have had this. She keeps getting me into trouble as I call myself "stupid" "idiot" "thick" she says I am so negative. I don't mean to be. I just don't think I am clever or anything like that. I worry a lot too.
I think I have been ok since I spoke to her on Wednesday.... I have had minimum anxieties and have been taking my meds daily. I think she will be proud of me for taking my meds. I hate it when she gets hard on me but I understand why cause she cares about me etc. She said she wanted to come and hug me but she knew I wouldn't accepted it and she can't handle rejection in that way. I can not let people touch me. I get too embarrassed and its really uncomfortable. I remember we did a pamper day a few months ago at the project. She said would it be ok to massage cream into my hands. I was scared but once I got over it I was fine. She said she was proud of me as that was a huge step for me.
I really want her to hug me, but I don't want to incase I crumble and she feels rejected and I would feel really bad/embarrassed and probably wouldn't be able to look at her again without feeling sad. She has said a few times and again this week she thinks I am lost in a sense. She wants to understand me but sometimes its hard. She understands MH amazingly well her Mum has Borderline and her family is plagued with MH Illness's she herself has depression. I just wish I could be better at explaining to her face:face but I can never get the words out
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