I have a habit of rambling on and on, so I'll try to save your eyes and keep this brief-ish.
Apparently, I have some kind of latent form of PTSD. I had one major freakout about half an hour ago, brought on by nothing. Just sitting and halfway watching TV with my husband and son. These things, this monster that grips me, it's too huge for my mind to comprehend. Looking back at my past, this is what I got to show for it:
--Extremely religious mother that believed more in god than anything, daughters included
--Biological dad that I completely erased from my mind, (from the neck up) because he did attempt to kill me and my family (I was almost 4, he picked me up by my hair and bowled me into a wall, halfway scalping me)
--Alchoholic stepdad, who took to the religious zealotry as well as he did hard liquor (nothing quite like being told you're going to hell for being a ***** by a man blitzed on jim beam)
--One uncle (not biological) that forced me to perform oral on him at the age of 5 or 6 and punched me in the face when I did it "wrong"
--Another uncle (biological father's brother) that systematically raped my oldest sister and possibly killed my oldest by means of setting her bedroom on fire (though never proven); and more than likely did things to me and my youngest sister
--Stepbrothers that decided when I was eleven (they were 16 and 11) that I made a great sex toy, even though I didn't want to, more than anything I wanted to "impress" them (like an idiot)

There are a million other stupid keystone moments in there that made me who I am today. I try to tell myself "I'm better for it," and I've kept myself as emotionally detatched as I could, hiding behind humor and sarcasm. It's not working anymore. I can't change my past, but I would like to recreate that cold unfeeling numbness again because this is too big for me to look at. And when I see it, it's all-encompassing. I'm on the Vistaril 50mg, and so far today I've had 1 freakout (it's a step up from yesterday, I was on my 3rd by this time).
If I stop, even for a minute, these things sneak up on me. I'm 33...I'm too old for this crap. I've got a roof over my head, a wonderful husband and a terrific 14 year-old son and plenty of pets. Those are the things I keep telling myself, just to stick around.
Anyone know any tricks to find my "center" again?