Hi everybody.. I'm new here.. i've been here a few times, done some research, read some posts, done some thinking... i've tried writing posts here a few times, but i never really know what to say, and i kind of chase myself away from the idea that i might be schizophrenic and go back into confused denial.. anyhow, here i am... i'm still not totally sure i really do have it, but the symptoms sound ridiculously close to what i was going through for the past 8 or 9 months. i want to learn more about causes for it, because i was never really all that stable from the time i was a kid, and i've gone through some really messed up stuff in my life that kinda made things worse... i'm wondering if some kind of trauma can trigger it, without previously showing signs of it.... the thing is, last fall, i was raped by a stranger while i was on 7 hits of LSD.. and i havent been the same since i mean that really messed me up i had a complete nervous breakdown and started questioning everything about myself, and my life... why did that happen to me? what's wrong with me, why would i let myself get into a situation like that? what am i supposed to learn from this? is it that big a deal, or am i being a drama queen? should i tell ppl about this, or is it better not to? how am i supposed to feel right now? and i kind of thought myself into a horribly depressed funk, where i eventually became completely devoid of emotion, and would sometimes just space out for hours at a time... days even.. the only thoughts that would go through my head, if any, were all negative, self analytical and hateful thoughts... i was completely antisocial and lost interest in everything.. i must've gone a month or two without speaking at all, or almost never at least.. i was just kind of in my own world, lost in my own thoughts, unable to concentrate on anything.. and when i finally did start trying to be social, i sounded completely incoherant, rambling on about abstract concepts and introspective crap.. not articulate at all.. and i'd just talk on and on until i thought i had made a point, but i never really did i dont think... logic was absolutely out of the question most of the time hah oh man i was always nervous around other people.. i had no idea how to react to anything, or what to do in any situation.. i felt like a caged animal.... then i started having random mood swings, and my perceptions of people and time and space changed and warped.. after months, i started to be able to build myself back up to a more functional being but i still always felt lost and anxious and selfconscious and pretty suicidal.. i've been getting progressively better.. i feel fine now most of the time, but i'd still like to know a little more about disorganized schizophrenia, which is what i think i might have had.. or still have.. mostly i want to know if it is the kind of thing that can be triggered or at least worsened by an incident like that, or if i brought this all on myself somehow..

even if nobody out there in cyberspace can help, its kind of nice to have actually told somebody now.. but i find it really hard to explain what i was going through when i'm feeling normal. oh well, maybe somebody knows what i'm talking about

ok, thanks guys, hugs to all!