I arrived at PC two months removed from a week-long inpatient stay, highlighted by the fact that my pdoc personally escorted me to the hospital. It was the middle of February in Wisconsin, and he didn’t even grab his jacket before he hustled me out the door, he was so freaked out by what I had just told him.

In the intervening years, I have made some friends here, and learned a lot. I don’t know that I can come up with 5 things off the top of my head right now, so I won’t enter the contest, but I can tell you that one thing I’ve learned is the futility of having to have the last word. I wish I had learned that when I lived at home and had my case jumped every single day by one or the other (or both) of my parents for singularly stupid crap, but learning it at 41 is better late than never.

Another thing I have learned here (I guess that makes 2 out of 5) is that the only people who understand mental illness are the people who live it. I don’t think I’ve met a single person here whose family believes that he or she is seriously ill. I can’t tell you how often my family has dismissed my depression. Exercise!, they say. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! Think happy! Snap out of it! Get over it!

You know what? It can’t be done. My illness is a combination of trauma and biochemistry. Some of it comes from things that were done to me, but some of it is just the way I’m wired. Nobody who’s “normal” wants to believe that.

I’m notorious for not cleaning out my inbox, so the other night I signed on here and randomly cruised old posts I’d marked as favorites. When I feel alone, or I’m spiraling down into the abyss, or I’m too freaked out by nightmares to sleep (the case as I write this), I come here and I post about it. And people unfailingly have been kind to me. I get frustrated with the place sometimes, but that was a good reality check for me, a reminder of the caring people who come here and try to help as best they can. It was really touching to read through some of those responses.

The continual upset around here this year is a source of consternation for me. It’s not the PC I know. There are those who continually get on my nerves, as well. The solution to that is to walk away, folks. I make good use of the ignore button, and I don’t feel guilty about it. Some people are just too triggering for me. I accept this, and rather than attack them, I simply refuse to engage them. It’s a good strategy. I recommend it.

I know what a caring place this can be. I think it can be again. I know we have all been burned by some, but let’s not let that get in the way of the community here. Experience proves that if we don’t stick together, we aren’t going to get any help in the “outside” world – it’s rare for anyone to take the mentally ill seriously. Let’s not do that to each other. I’m just so tired of the backbiting and sniping. It doesn’t have to go on. I’m not perfect, I’ve engaged in it myself, but I’m just done with that. These are supposed to be support forums. Can we please get back to that?

With love and respect,

CB