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i just want to get this out.
Birthdays have always been hard. Too often felt should not have survived. Anyway, lately have been stressed about the mother passing away and being completely alone. Recently, a mother like person passed away. Upset the first thing was to inform T. T was unavailable. Telephoned Pdoc, left a message. Telephoned only other friend, left a message. Telephoned old T, she was busy talking to a current person. Thus all alone i felt. Two days later all the T's got in touch and apologized for taking so long to return my call. Now this hard anniversary thing is coming up and T is away for a week. Pdoc who knows how hard this day is was unable to see us. The intention was to do all these special things over the weekend. But depression sapped all the energy. Slept most of the weekend.
Oddly, i am embarrassed to post this because...well i am not asking for any assistance. i am just ...i do not know...whining.
Maybe, i am just lonely. i have no more friends that live in my state or city. Yes i am feeling very very very disconnected since the death of my dear dear friend/mother/sister. So perhaps this is grief?
My anxiety about being abandoned has gotten out of control.
Thus i am writing and babbling trying to keep the hands busy. My concentration is poor otherwise i would try to read a book or knit, or draw or something. Instead there is a strong desire to cause physical pain. That is because i am unable to treat or comfort the pain of loss i am feeling i am guessing. okay...no one wants to read a book...least of all me.
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