My latest mental melt down I think I will chalk up to stress. And greatly underestimating just how stressed I am.

I am financially struggling, my bf has been depressed and overworked.. ill, and super stressed so I have been trying to be his rock for the last few months, still waiting on word when I can start my new job, My life has been pretty solitude lately, and a number of other things I have on my to do list. I have been seriously trying to burn a candle at two ends to be doing what is required right now. My sister who has substance problems and is newly separated with a toddler, well she is emotionally draining. And my other sister who is my rock has been battling her first ever experience with depression, so trying to be there for her as much as she has been for me.

This weekend has been long, and draining. My mother is down and she is the epitome of passive aggressive with a few extra helpings of aggressive. I don't know sometimes how I am so blind to my own plate of ****... but a weird moment happened when my mother was boasting about how she took $15,000 to Bali, and spent it all within 2 weeks. Yes her trip to Bali, I remember quite well actually... I remember because that is the same time I was 15 and dumpster diving for food, sleeping in doorways, parks, sidewalks, begging for spare change.. ya I remember being left in Canada with no one for all of my teenage years. I try hard to forgive and let it go.. but when it is brought up by her, and her alone, my heart breaks all over again. Just reminded me, same feeling, worn right down, worn to thin.

But thank you guys so much for listening to me, and being there for me no matter what I post or say, or what ideas I get in my head. Thing is I accept I have bipolar, I just really do not want to have it anymore. Accepting that I will have more pain in my future is not something I can do so gracefully.

But I appreciate everyone one of you, and try to understand me, and I know it probably isn't always easy.

Tonight I just feel like I am at the tipping point. My mother informed me she is selling her home, which I already knew, but I also learned she is moving here, to my small haven. Seriously a very big FML.