As you know, I've said that you remind me of my mother very much, so despite my resolve to stay out of your threads, I honestly thought it might be helpful for you to hear my perspective on this thread. I couldn't get the quote thing to work correctly so I'm cutting and pasting.

Rainbow, you said:
She isn't so receptive to my hugs. I said "I love you" a few times but the thing is we say that to each other on the phone all the time, but not in person. I don't feel like she WANTS me to be here for her; her H is the one she turns to. I know she only has one mother--me.

Okay, here's is my take on this, from my perspective with my mother. I DID NOT and DO NOT rely on her for help. I turn to my husband to some extent, to my mother in law and to my friends. It's not that I don't WANT her to "be there" for me; it's that she never was so I have no reasonable expectation that she will be and therefore it makes no sense to turn to her. As for not saying I love you in person, why not? Because it's awkward? I cannot address that without a lot of anger, so maybe I'll skip this part.

I'm not sure what to do. She appreciates compliments on her cooking so I try to do that. It's awkward for ME to say things like "I'm proud of you". I do remember saying that while she was growing up though. I need to do it more of it now because she has low self esteem. I guess it's hard for me because I myself didn't get enough of it! I tell the grandkids I love them, and hug them whenever they let me, and I praise them a lot. Being a Mom is hard when they're already grown up and have families of their own. I'm not excusing myself, just saying it's hard.

I am sorry that it's awkward for you to tell her you're proud of her, and that you feel you don't get enough of it yourself. On the other hand, it does not take a genius to have a very good guess as to why your daughter has low self esteem and has a hard time accepting help or affection from you given this information. You are STILL thinking mostly of yourself in this scenario and even though you claim you are not excusing yourself, that IS what you are trying to do. Parenting is hard. It just is. It involves putting your own needs behind your child's. Giving them what you didn't get as a child.

I agree but why does she turn away from my hugs? She doesn't like touching or something.

All affection in my family came on my mother's terms. Hugging happened when SHE felt like it. Touching happened when SHE was in the mood. When you put your needs first, it comes through loud and clear to the child. I am an adult now and I do not have to hug my mother whenever she feels like it anymore, so I don't.

I hope this didn't come off too angry. I am trying to help you see this situation from your daughter's perspective. I have a lot of guesses as to how your daughter feels, but don't want to speak for her. She may or may not be ready to tell you how she really feels. I know I probably wouldn't tell my own mother most of the information that I have given you because it wouldn't matter. She cannot even see that she needs to change. You, at least, at trying to change and I respect that.