Quote:
|
It's awkward for ME to say things like "I'm proud of you". I do remember saying that while she was growing up though. I need to do it more of it now because she has low self esteem. I guess it's hard for me because I myself didn't get enough of it! I tell the grandkids I love them, and hug them whenever they let me, and I praise them a lot. Being a Mom is hard when they're already grown up and have families of their own. I'm not excusing myself, just saying it's hard.
|
Rainbow, I'm kind of surprised that it's "awkward" for you to tell your daughter you love her and are proud of her. My mom is 60 and she still tells me she's proud of me. What makes it awkward?
I already have low self-esteem; it would definitely be lower if I sensed that my mom didn't want to tell me she was proud of me. In fact part of the reason my self-esteem is awful is that when I was a kid, I could tell she held back from saying she was proud at times, in hopes of not inflating my ego, with the goal of making me more self-motivated. This just ended up causing problems. I know it's not the same situation here, but when we need something from our parents and they hold back because of their own stuff, it's so damaging.
I also have a hard time understanding your saying you didn't get enough of it and that makes it hard, when at the same time you said you told your daughter this when she was a child. I'll admit I am not a parent, but isn't the whole point of being a parent to give your kids what you didn't have, through adulthood? I tried to do that with my little brothers... in fact I would praise them and tell them I was proud of them whenever I had those feelings because I wished my parents had done that for me. They have much more healthy self-esteem than I do.
Quote:
|
I agree but why does she turn away from my hugs? She doesn't like touching or something.
|
Please, please do not try to explain away your daughter's turning away from your hugs. I stopped hugging my parents around 8 or 9, and my mom just assumed it was as simple as my "not liking it".
It is not that simple. For me, it was that I felt so alone and withdrawn that it seemed that when I hugged people, I was expressing love and feeling an intimate connection that they weren't feeling. So it felt like an exposure of my feelings followed by a rejection. I don't know what it is for your daughter, but don't try to excuse it without actually finding out from her why it is.
ETA: It also occurs to me that this holding back from your daughter because she isn't a child anymore (I'm talking about the telling her you're proud and that you love her) is the same thing that frustrates you at T; this whole thing of needs from your child self. Is there any way you can use this to relate to your daughter better?