I feel miserable today. Last night was incredibly rough. I felt like my world was ending. I was in an uncontrollable state. I scratched up one of my arms pretty badly. I went searching for my sleeping pills with the intent on taking them, but could not find them. I just realized that I had nothing left to live for. My husband is leaving me, why I don't really know, I have no family support, my friends are only around when they are not busy. I just feel trapped in this state of depression that I can't seem to find my way out of. I feel like such a looser.
I have struggled through some extensive abuse in my past from my parents, physical, emotional, sexual and neglect. Which I am having a hard time dealing with even fifteen years later and after fifteen years of therapy.
I went to see my older brother, the only one who has been through the same things as me in my family of ten, this weekend. And I learned that he is being treated the same way I am. That what happened in our family is to be forgotten about, and our mother is to be seen as 'the rightous one' who can do no wrong. What my brother and I endured growing up has changed the way we see the world and the way we raise our families. Muchless changed the way we see the woman who gave birth to us. I have physical scars to prove what she did, although she denies remembering any of it, to go along with the emotional ones. He just has alot of emotional scars.
I learned this weekend that my father whom sexually abused me for 7 years still struggles with 'those' feelings and can't even hold his grandchildren without feeling them. That scares me. If I ever found out that he did anything to any of my neices or nephews I would be spending the rest of my life in jail, but you can bet he wouldn't be doing it again.
I guess this weekend brought up alot of feelings that I had stuffed and I don't have a therapist to deal with them with so I am struggling through them myself.
Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
melstar