Actually going out to Arizona at this point isn't feasible. Too many medical bills and such. We have talked about going out to see my grandma next spring if we can afford to. I sort of want to try just email first, instead of talking about it initially in person. At least a poorly received email, I can distance myself from. I'm not sure I could handle that kind of rejection in person, if he would even agree to see me at all. He has told my grandma and my aunts to not give me his phone number or his address.

I can email my step-mom because she has called me because she wants me and my dad to be on speaking terms. I know it sounds cowardly, but it is sort of nice that I can use her as a mediator.

I have blamed myself for a long time. Although he was physically much stronger than me, and over 20 years older, it has always haunted me that if I would have just fought harder... My girlfriend always tells me that I could have wound up dead that way, but sometimes I really wonder if that wouldn't have been better. Sometimes the memories, the flashbacks, the nightmares are almost too much. Especially since I have no one around who really understands. I mean, how can you describe what that is like? There aren't words to really convey the powerlessness, the fear, the shame. It's something that really is indescribable.