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Originally Posted by SallyBrown
Perhaps Rainbow is interpreting it incorrectly, and her daughter does want to be hugged but doesn't respond the way Rainbow would expect if she wanted to be hugged, and everything is actually fine and Rainbow should keep hugging.
Perhaps Rainbow is spot on, and should give her daughter space.
You really think it's better for her to just pick one of these and go with it, under the assumption that her daughter doesn't want to be asked about it?
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You're excluding a huge middle.
I don't think the hug is the thing rainbow should be fixated on. The problem isn't in the daughter not wanting to hug rainbow. It's just a symptom. So rainbow asking the daughter, "Why don't you want to hug me?" and the daughter saying X, Y, or Z isn't going to fix things.
Seriously, if I've told my mother that it doesn't feel like she's really there for me and whatever else the daughter told rainbow, and my mother came back with, "Why don't you want to hug me?", I would feel very angry. First of all, I already told her my primary issue--I don't feel like she's there for me. What more does she want me to say? Secondly, why wouldn't I feel like I'm being set up for either a guilt trip or a heated argument? Especially if we've never had conversations like this before when they haven't been this way? It's a conversation where high emotions seem to be inevitable. Some people--such as myself--can't handle arguments like this without seriously flipping out.
Maybe rainbow's daughter is the type of person who can handle that. Rainbow would know best. I just don't think that I would go that route, nor would I want my mother to go that route with me. If the daughter has already thrown up walls, I don't think pointedly asking her about it is the way to go. But as they say on the interwebs, your mileage may vary.
If rainbow really wants to get things out in the open, I think she'd be better off asking her daughter how she feels about their relationship in general and asking her how she can improve things. Make it about how the daughter is feeling rather than how she is acting. That may give rainbow all she needs to know about where the hesitancy in affection is coming from without even having to ask. The daughter should not be put in the place of having to spell out every single thing. Parents have a duty to provide affection to their children. Not the other way around.
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Assuming that you know what other people do or do not want to be asked is a great way to perpetuate dysfunction in relationships. Rainbow's daughter is an adult. If Rainbow asks a question she doesn't want to answer, she doesn't have to answer.
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This assumes rainbow's daughter is healthy--mentally and emotionally. A person with low self-esteem doesn't need yet another reason to feel guilty. A mother asking their low self-esteem-having daughter, "Why don't you want to hug me?", just screams, "What's wrong with you that you don't want to hug your own mother!!" Maybe the daughter is assertive enough to say, "I'd rather not say" if that's what she's feeling. Is rainbow alright with this as a response? Does the daughter know she can say this to her mother? I don't know. That's why I wouldn't recommend it. I would take a more indirect approach. But maybe that's just how I roll.