I sit here wondering why I have to feel so sad and alone. I spent several hours with a friend today but the minute she dropped me off it all came back. My heart feels like it filled with lead, my brain screams "why do you keep fighting" and "why are you making everyone around you suffer because you are still here". Sleeping is not positive; I either have terrible nightmares or I don't sleep. Those few times that I have taken my Ambien, I spend the whole night living the nightmares without being able to wake up and stop the insanity. I remember what happiness and "normal" for me feels like and I wish for those moments again. As much as I want to die, I can't because I know I would be letting those down who have been there and fought with me. I just keep wondering when do I just face the facts and just give up. Right now I only have 1 friend that I can say some things to but don't want to burden her because she struggles with this disease herself. Life is not all about me and that is what makes me wonder when do you make the decision to leave and let everyone else live happily ever after.
Sorry for ranting but I just don't know what else to do or say.