Quote:
Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions
Recently, I became closer with one person that I've known for about 3 years. We have a great time together....but the attachment, dependency issues are surfacing. We had plans over the weekend that we were preparing for - so I spent a lot of time there over 3 days. Yesterday, I wasn't at her house....and by today, I had gotten 3 voicemails, an email and a FB message - first it was - "You're my new BFF now. I was surprised that you didn't come over today! I miss you!"....then, it was, "Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?"
I was suffering from a severe migraine (still am), so I didn't get back to her until this afternoon (only 1-1/2 days since I saw her last).
I am getting those vibes again....dependency, neediness...and I am struggling. We get along great, and we have a great time together - BUT I cannot have another person in my life with high expectations of me dropping everything to be there for her every day.
When addressing the plans for the organization that she runs, I told her that it has to be a hobby for me - that I can't commit to frequent gatherings because I need to have balance in my life. I need to focus on my daughter, getting a full time job, etc.
I am not sure she understands it just yet. When we talked on the phone this afternoon, she was wondering what I was up to tonight....and tomorrow.....I don't want another friendship where I have to tell her where I am just to justify why I'm not at her house.
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Are you sure that she really has these as-you-labeled-them "dependency" and "neediness" issues, or is this really about expectations and desires for friendship and contact. Look at the context-- you spent a lot of time together for 3 days, really enjoyed each other's company, and her messages to you after a couple of days without context actually seem pretty reasonable to me. Asking whether someone is mad at you is a hell of a lot healthier than trying to manipulate some kind of indirect response. She might have room in her life for a "bestie" who wants to spend a lot of time with her, and your behavior would indicate that you might fit that bill. I guess I would see neediness and dependency as someone who calls constantly and is constantly trying to wheedle interaction out of you, as in "I need to see you, I'm SO lonely." She sounds like she's just being honest and is wanting contact, but not demanding or being guilting about it. She sounds like she is just asking for what she wants, and maybe you're so spooked about your past experiences that you are pulling away without explanation, so she thinks she's made you angry.
It doesn't sound like she is resisting your boundaries at all-- that's what needy and dependent people do in my experience. You've done a good job letting her know about the "hobby" thing. Maybe you could be upfront, because it seems like she's the one asking to get together and you're the one either accepting or not, which puts you in the powerful position, about what kind of time you have to spend together. You can reinforce that you enjoy her company lots but you have limited time.
I think you might be unintentionally creating a pattern by seeing behavior that doesn't necessarily fit it as something about the other person. But then again, I might be off base.