So... I have the answer to my question. The answer is based on a very limited experience with two men - ex and D. They are completely unanimous in their judgment: both prefer a thinner me (not too thin, but "just right"). So being fat is not horrible - to put it bluntly, the guy still rises to me, but it is most definitely suboptimal.

This is what I heard from D. As a reference point, I weigh 180 pounds being 5'5'', which makes for BMI=29+, which is high overweight but not obese. When he saw me on Skype, I weighed 187-189 pounds

-- "25 years ago you were more compact" (me but not saying it out loud: "Well, that can be said about almost every 40-y-o woman")
-- referring to the fact that after 25 years ago I've decided to pay keen attention to him - "At this rate in 20 years we will be married - I hope you will get thin again by then"
-- "You've lost weight since I saw you on Skype" (wow, appreciating a 7-pound difference)
-- "I do not know what to do with your this boundless body"
-- "I do not need such a big ***".
-- "You were never too thin, but just right and I was never turned on as much by any other BODY".

I will pause here. So I get to take the prize for being the love of his life and the most sexual attractive woman to date (in particular, with the best breasts). I think I can safely assume that there won't be any woman to beat me because if it is not only whom a guy is looking at but also his hormones that make for the most exciting moments, and at his age he won't get the same hormones he got when he was young. So I can just take the prize called "the most sexually attractive woman in his life" now, without waiting for him to die. What should I do with that prize? Frame it and display it on the wall? At any rate, this is all about the past - now I am too fat.

I was thankful that D. is so open about it. At least I know right away that there is a problem. With ex, it was very different. He would suggest that I exercise to feel better. He would say that he did not care but for my own sake it would be better to lose weight. And years passed like that. And then one day he exploded. And it turned out that he minded my being fat (at my worst, 192 pounds) very much. He blamed me for not preserving the figure I had when I met him. In many ways, he was right: I did not exercise back then and I ate too much. When he married me, he hoped that my character would change in many ways, but the figure was exactly the way he liked it (basically, a thin but curvy body with t&a and a distinct waistline). So he ultimately said that I had subjected him to having to "***** a heap of fat" - yes, these were his words. And I had had no idea because he had been a very passionate lover. I had no idea that he had been persevering through sex with me. That he had missed caressing a taut body - my fat body with skin creases did not do it for him. He thought that vaguely referring to "losing weight would be better for you" he would motivate me, and I just wasn't getting it! So D.'s openness about it is refreshing, in comparison with the bomb ex dropped on me back then. I remember one day ex showed me truly beautiful pictures of an alternative model, nude and semi-nude. I really liked her. He said "Why are you getting excited, you were at least as good if not better?" I had nothing to say but "I know". Only after he exploded I realized why he asked his question in such a bitter voice.

Maybe I just do not have luck with men. Maybe I should seek out new men who did not see me 15-25 years ago when I was in prime shape. Maybe I should find a man /men who will love me "as is". But in the meantime, I WILL try to regain my old figure. My p-doc, who is going to hear a shortened version of this story, will receive a request for Topomax. The p-doc is very thin himself - I hope he will want to make me thin, too, using the tools at his disposal. Prior to D's visit, I thought that I would try Topomax for prevention of migraines and for weight loss but would stop if Topomax gives me cognitive side effects. I thought that being sharp was paramount to me. Not anymore: at this moment I am prepared to deal with cognitive side effects so frequently experienced on Topomax provided that the drug is effective for weight loss. Further, I will switch from using public transport to biking to work (1 hour total commute time a day) to burn extra calories. I will not tweak my diet because I am already eating a high-protein, reduced-carbs diet (think lots of leafy greens and plain greek yogurt), and the only thing I can do better is eat less fruit but I love fruit too much so fruit gets to stay. Beyond that... I have briefly searched for information on liposuction and discovered that I am a good candidate for it, since I exercise and eat well. People who don't gain weight again following a lipo, but people with healthy habits do very well. And laser lipo shapes the skin well which is what I would could use. Now I just need to find a job so that I can pay for the procedure. I never knew I would be considering lipo ever in my life but what can I do if I only get men who are interested in my looks! And for a man who deals with some very deep issues in his poetry, D. is very interested in the surface side of things. He was glad my smooth skin (where there are no flea bites courtesy of my cat Maddy), lips, and hair stayed the same over the years. So my hairdresser will get a thank-you note and a rave Yelp review for masterfully covering my grey (I do not have a lot of it but what there is is better covered). So he is just very visual, very responsive to visual beauty. I guess he cannot help it - it is just the way he is. He even confided in me that back then he was surprised that he was so drawn to a woman with thick ankles (my ankles are thick, but guess what - I am happy with my legs because they are strong and fast - I value function and do not dwell on form). And he noticed that my daughters are beautiful head to toe, including slender, exquisitely shaped ankles.

His ideas on why people on psych meds gain weight are entirely ridiculous. He thinks that people start eating more without noticing it. I told him that I polled a forum participants about worst side effects of meds and the "winner" was weight gain, reported by more than 40% of respondents. Could 40% of people not notice that they are eating more?! Not 4% but 40%? I could have showed him the graph of my weight, pointing out the spike caused by a one-month long trial of Zyprexa. Clearly, one cannot eat SOOOOOO much more in a span of a month, without noticing. But I did not show him the graph. I am just not in the mood to be argumentative. I am in my mellowest mood at present, focused on making amends to him and being nice. In addition to things I knew I did to him (think flaunting interest in other men), there were things he reports but I do not remember. It turned out, I would agree to come meet him someplace but later either would not show up or be late by many hours. I have no recollection of doing it. It turns out that his best poem, according to the critics of his works (besides obvious talent, he has a second degree in literature in addition to the MD), was written ten years after such a "no show" by me and expressed the feelings he had while waiting until 5AM (we were on a trip together). So now, for a change, I am sorry for him, I am sorry for what he went through (he well in love with me when I was 16 and all he got from me was a short fling when I was 25 or so) and I am not inclined to set him straight, to make him a more compassionate doctor by revealing the true effects of psych meds, or tell him that he is "objectifying" me. I am not inclined to do any of that at all. I am not trying to win any argument or prove my point.