wow, thatnk for replying so fast
i am gonna get checked out, its just kinda hard taking that step, ya know? especially since i really dont know if that's the problem, or if its just some messed up headtrip i brought on myself.. either way, i could use some help.. but no, as far as i know nobody in my family has a history of mental illness. when i was looking up causes, that was mostly what i found, that it was hereditary, and i'm fairly sure that isnt an issue here. if anything caused it, it was trauma, and drug use definitely exaserbated it. anyway, thanks for the reply i'm going to keep researching, and find a doctor.. i've been kind of reluctant because unless i'm having an 'episode' i cant really figure out a way to explain it that anyone might be able to understand. that's why i like coming here sometimes and reading posts, because the way i felt seems to be shared by a few people here, and it's kind of nice to know that i'm not just completely (uniquely) off my nut, and there's some hope.. i'll probably be around for a while, until i get more comfortable talking to people about it, and maybe learn something about it. i think it's great how supportive you guys are, and it really does feel great to have such a close community here where we can all just spill and not be judged

thanks again