i'm so sorry to hear that you lost yourself.. your posts was one of the first ones i read when i found this place, and i identified with you so much that i decided i had to get some help, and i think you should too, although i know its really hard. i havent yet either. i know exactly what you mean about the thought insertion and broadcasting... and your mind constantly being filled with thoughts of self doubt and analysis and all that negative stuff.. when i started going crazy, it was a few nights after i had gotten dosed with 7 hits of acid by a guy who then raped me, and i was obviously feeling pretty low and messed up.. i told one of my closest friends about what happened, and she made me feel better, but i was still in a sort of terrified and suicidal funk.. i couldnt sleep that night, so i smoked a few pipeloads of weed and hoped that would calm me down so i could get some rest and feel better.. like with you, it really didnt help.. i started looking over my life, searching for meaning, trying to remember what i had been like before this happened and trying to figure out how i felt, and why, and what other people might do in that situation.. i looked over my whole life and came to the conclusion that i was and had always been incredibly strange and i couldnt believe anyone had ever liked me.. and that i made terrible decisions and had to start smartening up becuase it was my fault and i brought everything bad that had ever happened to me on myself, so from then on, whatever i thought about doing, i should do the exact opposite.. and that was a really bad idea.. things spiralled downhill from there to the point where i could no longer talk to people, and i took everything anybody said personally, like they knew something i didnt, or they could read my thoughts, and i never knew what to say.. whatever i said would sound crazy.. and i hated myself for going crazy, and i was going crazy from hating myself.. i totally lost any image of who i was or how i felt after a while.. the only emotions i ever felt were anxiety and sadness.. whenever i thought about "what might i normally do in this situation? what would a normal person do?" i would just get more paranoid and introverted.. the only thing i could think of was whatever was going through my mind at the time, and i sounded totally incoherant because my thoughts were always scrambled, and i would be trying to control my thoughts, but they'd go off in odd directions, trying desperately to understand the situation and what was happening to me.. then i'd get worried about what others thought of me.. viscious cycle.. i felt like i could read other people's thoughts but really i think it was just my paranoia telling me that they were judging me and trying to tell me how to think or how i m supposed to act.. and i thought they could hear my thoughts too, but that's only because i was vocalizing them like you were.. of course i was baked out of my skull that first night, and i've learned not to trust drug-induced revalations.. they're not real.. and people out there are going to %#@&#! with you because they're assholes and they dont realize that their actions actually affect other people. just try not to take it personally. it doesnt matter what other people think, as long as you dont get yourself down about it. i'm sorry to hear about you losing touch with yourself, and your roots, but all is not lost. remember, if you feel like you've got nothing, and you've hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up! it might take some time, but you have to have a little confidence in yourself, and try to be what you want to be. it was ages before i felt like being social again, and enjoying things that i used to like, and i kind of found myself again after a few months i think, but it is possible to feel good about yourself again, or make yourself somebody you like, if you want to make some changes in your life i'm so sorry you had to go through that, but i think it had a lot to do with the weed. i dont know what to tell you about the voices, other than simple things like counting to myself or listening to music or going for jogs or doing other things to occupy my mind helped after a while. its hard to kind of break out of that shell, but just give yourself other things to think about and it wont be so bad, maybe... i'm sorry, i wish i could help, but i'm still struggling with my own demons, and obviously i have no idea what i'm talking about. i dont really know anything about schizophrenia or psychosis, but i think i know somewhat what you're going through, and i think you should look at getting some help.

and know that we really do care about you, too i didnt reply when i first read your post becuase i just didnt know what to say, and i knew i couldnt help.. but i hope you're feeling better finding support from people here if you ever want to rant incoherantly, i love to listen, and if i can help i'll certainly try

take care of yourself

:: hugs! ::

kate