It saddens me that I feel compelled to do this, but, as my niece is fond of saying, “It is what it is.”

To the people I’ve ticked off: Just think of me as a contentedly sleeping dog. Wake me up by provoking me and I will bite.

My dad, when he was being merely verbally abusive, liked to refer to me in conversation with the other family members as “it.” I wasn’t even granted personhood.

My dad, when he was being physically abusive, hit. My brother and sister stood there and took it. I hit the jerk back!! I wasn’t about to let him get away with that! The consequences were never pretty, but at least I had the satisfaction of standing up for myself.

My last T and I worked extensively on anger. He had me type out a word and paste it everywhere I could think of: computer, mirrors, heck, I had one in the middle of my steering wheel (I have a smallish case of road rage ). The word was: BREATHE.

I apologize for hitting first and breathing second. Please try to cut me some slack as I continue to work on this issue.

To the people I only seem able to respond to in PMs: It isn’t that I don’t want to write a supportive post to you, it’s that I’m overwhelmed by your pain. There are people here who have suffered more misfortunes than any 20 people’s lifetimes, and it makes my heart ache, but I don’t want to say anything in public because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, or that it won’t be enough. Know that I care, I’m just a big chicken.

To the people whose PMs I never seem to respond to: I’m not a big people person. It takes me a long time to make friends, and most of the time the prospect of meeting new people is too overwhelming for me. It’s that way for me IRL too. I feel bad for not being more engaging, but I have seriously limited emotional and psychic energy and remarkably bad social skills. I wish I were a better ambassador for this place, but it just isn’t something I’m very good at. Please accept my apologies.

To the people who for some reason believe in me even though I am a big fat honkin’ fraud, and not the fabulous and competent person you think I am – thank you. And if you got this far without wanting to retaliate, thank you too.

Peace and all good,

CB