So this has been a rough year. Mixed episode with near suicide attempt at the end of February. I've been holding on and trying to get help ever since. I'm still a bit in the thick of it, depression wise, but I've been compliant with taking my meds and seeing my p-doc. I'm a wife and mom and "high functioning" I guess you could say (I hide my issues pretty well from others for the most part). I'm a mom and I dress conservatively, though always in shades of gray, black or very dark navy. No other color. Ever. (I'm not "goth", not that there is anything wrong with that. But I'm just trying to describe how I dress and look.) Anyway...So recently my husband (who is extremely supportive) has been encouraging me to maybe get out and try to buy one shirt or outfit that isn't grey or black. He just wants me to feel good about myself and I think he was thinking that getting me into some color would maybe make me feel cheerful or something. So I think okay, what the heck, how hard could that be for me. I've been taking my medication, talking things through with my mentor, etc. I've been really compliant with everything I've supposed to do. Maybe I'm ready to go out and add a little color to my life.

So I have spent the last week and a half shopping for a shirt or sweater of any color. And...I've had three panic attacks while shopping. Turns out this is really hard. I'm all dark and twisted inside and there's clearly a reason I wear shades of gray and black. It's because I don't feel like wearing color. Color doesn't feel right on me. I feel so stupid as I go through the stores passing thousands of shirts and sweaters of every color. What is my problem? I see so many outfits that are absolutely gorgeous. I think they are beautiful. I think they look amazing and can picture them on other people. Some I can even imagine what they might look like on a happier version of myself, but even if I'm brave enough to take them to try on, I end up sobbing in the dressing room because I don't even recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

I know I probably need some pretty intense therapy, but financially that is completely impossible. It's not going to happen. I do have a supportive husband and a very loving mentor who is like a mom to me, so I do count myself blessed that there are two people I can talk to. But I know this kind of thing kind of leaves them completely speechless. I'm pretty embarrassed by it. I know how dumb it is. I did eventually end up buying a very, very dark teal sweater (still a color, but very dark) so I sort of feel like maybe I didn't totally fail. I'm not sure if I will actually wear it, but I am trying. Sigh.

I could really use a hypomanic or manic episode right now. I know I'm not supposed to wish for that, but this depression is kicking my butt and I'd really like to feel a little thrill and happiness. I figure maybe someone else here might be able to relate.