Firstly, I hope you are doing better about your suicidal thoughts.
If I understand, you chose a dark sweater instead of a colored sweater because you think that your life is dark?

I f you don't have money for a therapy, ask some organisations, maybe they can help you, but talking about that here is a good start.

I think that something that can helps you in short-term is to make you some pleasure by shopping a colored sweater, maybe not for you, but for your husband. I like the idea of hamster-bamster.

I wish you the best!