<font color="green">Because of abuse during my childhood, I used pins to make myself bleed, a drop or three was enough in the beginning. While I moved into needing to see more blood I never really started cutting until I was in therapy. I suppose I felt safe to use the cutting with a therapist to catch me if I fell. I never cut a lot or often but quickly began to crave the release it gave and slight high I felt when I cut. The cutting also helped with my flashbacks. I could stop one dead in its track with it.
Now comes the trying to stop and it is hard. I learned that I was willing to be hurt in different ways if the cutting was not allowable. Worse yet, I tend to claw myself in my sleep sometimes drawing blood. But I have not cut for about 4 months, and the scratching or clawing is waning too. However, anytime I feel anger I feel like I deserve to be punished. See after being assaulted by my godparents for around 3 years I went back to living with my mother who taught me that I am not allowed to even look angry. So I turn it all again me. I have started to learn to be angry with the right person but I have a long way to go with this.
Because I have depression and PTSD, I have been seeing a therapist for 4 years. I made a lot of progress but until I saw a psychiatrist, I was not stable but crashing regularly. Now on Lexapro and Wellbutrin I am reasonably stable. However, this doctor feels I have poor boundaries and am too dependent on my therapist. I admit I love her; she has been a substitute mother for me. I would be such a mess without her. So what does the psychiatrist want to do? He wants me to do DBT, a six-month course during which I cannot see my therapist.
I am literally scared spitless of doing this training and losing my therapist for six months. Even worse, in my mind right now is that the training may make it so I can leave therapy earlier. She has been my support and is the first woman I trust to accept me. There is still in my heart the fear that if anyone knowing the ‘whole’ story would despise me. I know in my head that I was not to blame but I still feel like there had to be a reason for me to have been abused in so many ways by so many people. First, my mother tried to kill me then my godparents used me for sex; my stepfather molested me and my mother used verbal emotional mental and physical abuse against me. It is small wonder that I feel like I am without value and soiled.
Well this is becoming a book instead of a post so I need to bring it to an end. I am afraid to try this DBT training but I can see that I am too dependent on my therapist and need to get unstuck with the anger and abandonment issues. I just don’t know how to do this or if I should do it.
</font>
__________________
dalila
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-Erma Bombeck
|