((((((((((((((((MP)))))))))))))))))))),

Please don't feel guilty.......you were with him when you could be. I had a good friend from college that died from cancer just about 9 months before my mother died from cancer. I was able to see him when we could enjoy talking together & reliving memories. He was then hospitalized & died during his first chemo treatment. I was going to go to the hospital the night he died, but his wife & son were going to a concert & weren't going to be there either. She could have felt guilty, but it was important for her & her son to be together at the time & I had the good time with him when we could have the chance to enjoy each others company.

With my Mother's death, I was with my mother just about 2 hours before she died & told her then that it was ok for her to die. At that time, she could no longer even talk but the weak squeeze of her hand told me that she heard what I told her. My GP wanted me in the hospital because I was exhausted & sick from the stress I was going through & was needing treatment for anemia. I waited as long as possible before going into the hospital myself. I couldn't be with my mother at the time she actually died.
I hope you realize that he knew what you felt & he wouldn't want you to feel guilty either. Guilt is a feeling we tend to put on ourselves when we don't do something we feel like we "should have" done.

I like sky's suggestion to visit in a dream, or hillbunny's suggestion to send your message to him in the smoke of a candle. Those are ways for you to tell him the things you wanted to tell him. He would want you to enjoy your daughters birthday which I hope you did yesterday. I know that greiving doesn't allow us to enjoy our life as much as we would enjoy it without our greif, but it isn't ok to let greif totally control us either.....it is normal to have that sad greif feeling when someone close to us dies.

Take care of yourself & be kind to yourself during this time,
Debbie