Tomi,

We should have exchanged places in our childhood. My parents & my especially my Mom was always there for me. She was the good Mom that was always there for everything I needed & loved me so much. I remember her wanting to hold my hand when we were out walking in public. I would pull away....... She would want to kiss me & again, I would pull away. She wanted to love me so much.....maybe because her Mom never loved her in that way, but I was embarrassed too much.

My parents never quit loving me even though I refused to let them show anything in public.....they were always there all their life.....even though my Mother really messed up the end of her life & messed up mine along with that......but it wasn't intentional even though it was her being selfish. It is really sad to realize that you needed your Mommy's love & didn't have it & I had my Mommy's love & didn't want it.

At least that is how I see my life looking back on it........& I know looking back on my Mothers death just 1 1/2 years ago, I feel that my love for her has been burried under my anger for her......but maybe my anger I feel for her is selfish on my part because I blame her for everything that happened & the trauma that she caused us to go through.

It is sad realizing that I had from my Mother the one thing that you wanted from yours & it wasn't even something that I appreciated & it is something you would have completely appreciated.

I hope you can come to terms with your missing love as I hope I can come to terms with my anger.....it is amazing how complicated our lives can become just because of our feelings.

Debbie