So, I first started seeing a pdoc / therapist this past July for the first time in my life. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew I had a problem. I was first diagnosed "mood disorder nos," then cyclothymia, and most recently it was officially changed to bipolar II. It's been kind of a crazy journey. I've been medicated for about a month and a half, and am finally starting to feel good. Like really good compared to how I was before seeking treatment.

The thing is, I was going to a free health clinic in my city because I didn't want to tell my parents about my problems. (I'm in college right now, but I'm still living at home as it's cheaper since my school is only a half an hour drive to the city.) Anyway, the free clinic has been great, and everyone there has been really helpful, understanding, and most importantly professional. But this clinic is only for people who are uninsured. I'm not actually uninsured, I just didn't know how to talk to my parents about it, but I really needed help. I've decided that it isn't right for be to be using their services, as I have the option of insured treatment if I were to tell my parents. Today I told them that I wanted to stop my treatment there, and they cautioned against it, but of course agreed and have started to ween me off of the meds.

I'm actually really sad and nervous about it. That place had really helped me a lot, and I don't like the idea of abandoning the comfort it brought me. I had a therapist who had gotten to know me pretty well, and the meds were just starting to work. I feel pretty lost now. Part of me wishes I wouldn't have said anything, but it's not right for me to take advantage of their services like that. I'm just really sad about the whole thing. Even if I do end up telling my parents and seek treatment again, I'm upset that I have to leave that place behind. What's worse is I'm afraid of slipping into another suicidal depression when the meds start to ware off.

I feel like just when I was starting to make progress, everything got derailed. It was a choice, but I think it was the ethical choice to make... I don't want to take up time there for people who really could use it. I still feel guilty for the time I did spend there, but I just desperately wanted help, and that's the only way I knew how to get it while still keeping it a secret. Ugh.