Hi Rose. I hope I can offer some help and insight.

Firstly, you have to understand that this isn't your fault Rose. You were a little girl, and from the sound of your post, you had very little knowledge of sexuality aside from the "mechanics." Rick took advantage of that lack of knowledge and your age. You were used Rose. That isn't your fault.

By him exposing you to sex like this, you are going to "normalize" your exposure to it. If you felt like he was having you do something against your will, that becomes "the norm" to you. Essentially, he ruined what a healthy perception of sex should be to you, and thus you seek relationships mimicking what you know, because that's the "norm," and it's familiar. That isn't on you Rose...it's not some defect or malfunction or anything like that. It's human nature. I will say that this is my conjecture on the matter, but I've observed that pattern of behavior more than a few times in my time here.

On the bright side Rose, this doesn't have to be something that haunts you forever, nor does it mean that the view Rick gave you needs to stick with you. I would highly recommend that you try everything in your power to talk to a therapist about what you've been through and how it is affecting you now. They can help you deal with the memories and emotions that're causing your behavior and feelings now. And please, don't let that one counselor jade you on them all...she was incredibly unprofessional, rude, ignorant...I can go on.

You aren't a broken soul Rose. You're a young lady (well...I say young. You're my age ) who has been through something that you shouldn't have had to go through, and that has its affects. I think you're blessed beyond belief to have been through all that risk and not had a pregnancy to deal with on top of everything else. And I think that ultimately, you'll be just fine. That may take time, and I won't lie to you and say it'll be easy, but it can be done.

Stay strong Rose. You are in my prayers.

Hugs,
Harley