Warning: may trigger those with family abandonment issues.

Hello,

I have lurked these forums for nearly a year and a half. That's how long ago I was diagnosed with quiet Borderline Personality Disorder. I have a very difficult time even finding security and validation admitting that this is a part of me, and until now I have been too scared to talk about it on a public forum. Only to my psychiatrist, therapist, and a few close friends and significant other who are able to relate to me without judgment or invalidating statements. I have been working on DBT therapy for about a year, by my own choice. There are many triggers I've been progressing with, which I'm pleased about. I want to live a life where I don't feel like my emotions overwhelm and control me. I want to have some regulation, even if I wasn't equipped with this skill either by genetics or environment.

In the past month, there's been a change in my home life that has been triggering feelings of worthlessness and invalidation for me. I feel so much pain and rage but have never felt able to direct these feelings outward. Not only are feelings like these not supported in my home, but I live in a family where we're expected to deal with things on our own. My parents are mathematical, scientific people who work in healthcare. Physical pain is seen as acceptable, but mental and emotional pain is something that isn't acknowledged as real. I'm often the Black Sheep of my family.

What has triggered my quiet BPD is a new person temporarily staying with us. She is similar in age to me, but is everything I'm not. Her studies mirror my parents' (and I have never excelled in what they do), they share similar hobbies and interests, and she succeeds in things much more easily than I do that I'm actively working on. In short: I feel abandoned. I feel like this person is taking my place and I have nothing to offer my family. I love them, but I feel so worthless. I'm compared to her so often in the past few weeks that my pain and anxiety overtook me. I had to avoid events combining this person and my family, like dinners and other family outings. I felt even worse when told that I shouldn't feel like this, she's not replacing me. As if it was wrong for me to feel these painful things. I needed to not have panic attacks every time I was around them, to be able to eat normal meals without wanting to vomit from anxiety, and not feel as if every conversation was a comparison of how successful and ideal she is and how I'm a disappointment. I've felt so exhausted by the emotional roller coaster and my inability to project any of this outward that I've had trouble getting out of bed and driving safely.

My parents were at a breaking point with me. Until a few days ago, I had kept my reasoning behind going to therapy my own business. Partly due to my fear of abandonment if they knew I had a personality disorder, and partly because therapy isn't really discussed in my family. It's seen as something you keep to yourself about dealing with your problems.

I told them about my quiet BPD. That I know the new person isn't terrible, she hasn't threatened me, but I still feel this way and these specific situations made me feel not only invalidated about having these feelings but how painful these feelings are. I gave them some resources and explained about my DBT, and that I'm really trying to find a way to cope with this trigger other than avoidance but I'm not there yet.

To me, this was a disaster. I wish I hadn't been honest with them about my disorder. Since then, they will barely look at me. They'll honor my wishes about not wanting to be in situations with them and this new person, but that was it. They won't approach me alone, they will not look at me, they won't hug or touch me. I've told them I love them, and that I'm just a different person, and now I don't feel okay about it anymore. I don't even feel welcome at home, despite that they welcomed me home verbally with no intent of joy at having me there.

I feel so broken, that this disorder has cost me my family and I wish I hadn't been honest about it. I'm treated like a monster, a different species, in what is supposed to be my home. I'm trying not to let this undo my progress, but two of the people I care about the most in my life don't seem to love me anymore.

Thank you for letting me write this. I have trouble talking about this other than to trained therapists or the few close friends I feel safe around.