Hi everybody. I'm new here so forgive me if I've posted this in the wrong area...

I have been suffering from depression (at least...I think it's depression. Recently my doctor has started suspecting something else might be wrong too) for approx 2-3 years now. And it's getting to the point where I just don't know what to do any more. I don't feel sad or down or suicidal. I feel...nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no excitement, no negativity. Just nothing.

I haven't had a job for about 3 years and I just don't care. I know I should be striving to get a job, start a career, make money. I'm in my late 20s and 5-10 years ago I hoped to have a relatively good job and life by this age. But I just don't feel like it. I spend my days indoors - usually in bed. I might watch a movie or read a book. But mostly, I just lay in bed for days, doing nothing. Just thinking about how dull and lousy my life is. And wondering why my brain doesn't seem to care that I'm doing nothing with my life.

I dropped out of university last year. I was only there for a year. And the thing is...I didn't want to. I really wanted to pass my course because it will lead to my dream job. But for some stupid reason my brain kept telling me there was no point in showing up to classes, or handing assignments in, or making friends, or even leaving the house for that matter. I just didn't care. It was so dull, so mundane, and the other students annoyed me with how stupid they were (not that I'm overly smart or anything. But classes felt so pointless because I never felt like I was learning anything. Every week we would repeat the same **** over and over and over again and I just couldn't be bothered with it.)

And I DO have a goal in life. I want to travel the world, and get married, and have kids, and do all the "normal" things that "normal" happy people do. But things like that seem like such a far-away dream. They seem like dreams that will never happen. Because when I picture myself in these dreams, I see myself happy. I see myself smiling, and laughing, and being normal. I see myself loving my future husband and loving my children and enjoying my life with them...but then I think about myself now, and realize that its unlikely I will ever be like that.
I haven't been in a relationship for years. I can't be bothered getting to know people, I can't be bothered with sex, and I can't be bothered with people who flirt with me. I don't care enough about people or about myself to actively seek out friendships, let alone relationships. In the back of my mind I know this is the wrong way of thinking. I just wish the rest of my brain could care.

And it's frustrating. Because I see people around me smiling and laughing and being normal. And I think to myself, why can't I be like that? Why can't I laugh at jokes? Why can't I genuinely smile, instead of just putting on a fake smile whenever I feel the person I'm talking to expects that from me? Why can't I feel emotions...instead of this constant emptiness?

Night time is the worst. I lay in bed every night, thinking that tomorrow will be different. I write to-do lists. I make plans. But they never happen. I just spend the next day in bed again, doing nothing. Not caring about anything or anyone. And I just want this feeling of nothingness to end.