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It has been some time since I last posted on this site. In all honesty I really dont even know why Im even posting on here now. Maybe its due to being lonely and spending so much time alone lately w/ hardly anyone to talk to about my current diagnosis. Ive actually found that no one out side of having this illness (and disorders) understands. Not to mention even when they say, I completely understand you. They actually dont, cause they havent even come close touching the tip of the ice burg of understanding. Not unless they have it themselves.
I have known for some time now that I was bipolar. Just didnt know exactly how deep it ran into the illness. Now I know. Cant say that actually knowing helps though. About a month ago now I had been diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar w/ Psychotic tendencies. Along w. PTSD and Depression. I have been managing it by taking Fish Oil. Mind you, even with prescribed med's, everyone still has their Ups and Downs. They just arent so many of them. I too still have my Ups and Downs. Even have my Stressors which are still triggered at times.
This effects just about every aspect of my life now days. I cant have a relationship w/ a woman due to it. Been single now for nearly 6 years, pushing every woman who comes along away, as I feel this is just to hard of an illness to deal with, no one who should have to deal with it if they dont have to. At times It is even hard to leave my home, as I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
Whats messed up is I do this to myself. Even going to work, or to the store to get much needed food and supplies can be extremely trying at times. Often days, weeks, even months have been known to pass by before Im able to bring myself to go to the store.
I hadnt been to see a counselor in over a year before this diagnosis. Yet, I felt that something needed to happen. I feel Im living on the edge with my job. My boss had made it clearly apparent that my issues are indeed hard to deal with. While I dont feel he will fire me due to those issues. I fear he will one day soon lay me off due to lack of business. I went to my counselor seeking if they knew any type of career, or if they could help me find something I could do within my ability to work.
I have posted things of similar content in the past. And again, i really dont know why Im posting this now. Call it a outlet to ramble my thoughts on. .... As I was saying, I went to my current counselor to help see if they could help me find something. Told him I really really dont want to be homeless again, which I have been homeless 3 times now due to my illness, It is not a fun situation at all. Yet, with all the research and forums I continue to read trying to find some way to help myself. All I keep seeming to find is more and more info about how hopeless this illness can be.
Last year I went to a counselor center here in my home town, yet, ended up waiting over an hour and a half (very patiently mind you) in the lobby for my appointment. And as I sat there people came and went that had appointments after mine. No one bothered to tell me I would be seen soon. No one said a thing, so I got up and walked out. I am telling this because at the time I had come to the conclusion that this attempt I made was my last ditch effort to try and reach out for help.
I thought if I went into their office and explained what was going on, why I was there, and what kind of help I was seeking. They would indeed help me. However, I was sadly mistaken. Now, with this current counselor, all he seems to want to do is try to solve my problems. Which is nice to actually have a genuine counselor who actually wants to help for a change. However, with all he wants to do, with leveling out my Rapid Cycling Bipolar. He then wants to attack the PTSD and get that controled.
However, this all will take days, if not months to do. And not exactly what I was seeking in the first place. Only becoming more of a drain my money i have saved up to get me thru a few months of a hard winter coming. And coming very quickly I might add. I explained the urgency of seeking what I was there for. That if I was forced to be homeless again. I would much rather just put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. I already feel not only as a huge disappointment as a person, but also a burden on others and a extremely hopeless in my life
I apologize for this being so long, again, I just rambling on. Sorry if anything I say triggers anyone else. That was not my intent here. Regardless I hope everyone has a good day.
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