After all these years, I would have hoped by now that I would have recognized the signs of depression but it has sneaked up on me full force. To the point where I am not functioning, my grades have fallen, I am sleeping a lot, barely eating, crying all the time, bad thoughts, and hardly leaving the house. Thankfully I had a pdoc appointment to catch it. I am so afraid of this nothingness of an existence that has become me again, losing myself, losing my spot in my school program as it requires B's to continue to the last semester, and in failing out and getting swallowed up. The weird part is that I do care about it because I know I should, and yet at the same time I just don't care, part of me is just so tired that none of this downward spiral matters; and yet I am angry at myself for not seeing the signs and symptoms in the first place.

Meds are being changed but I know it will take some time, yet if I imagine what hope might be, I know the meds will help change things as the new levels come up; right now I just know this logically, it just feels like an empty promise. I guess I need to go on faith right now and just keep trying. I scheduled an appointment with T, and will be keeping it meanwhile even though I don't want to leave the house; I will. I am supposed to call pdoc each week until next month when see him again; he said if he didn't hear from me, he would be calling so to make a point of it. So I am not tackling this alone. But I now hate that I am causing such a fuss for them all. If I had just paid attention sooner, but I can't change that fact, so will just have to deal with things as they are now. I have to remind myself until I can believe it that it will get better, oh, please, it has to.

Thank you in advance for listening to me vent. Such at wits end and needed to get this out. Tears again, gotta go. Thanks again for listening, and hope this finds you well.