jt, i believe you know you have a problem with alcohol. when i was a drunk i self-medicated too. it caused me to dig my own hole deeper and deeper. it took away all emotions. it numbed me and took away my dignity. i hated myself for the mess i got into but saw no way out. this caused my depression to get worse and worse. alcohol is a depressant. there's no need to torture yourself anymore. there is a solution. abstinence. this takes a willingess to stop. AA helped me immensely. there were others there with ths same pain.. there are also people with success staying away from alcohol. their support will give you HOPE. you deserve a LIFE alcohol free. it will destroy you if you continue to drink. so glad you posted. we're here to support you if you desire to get sober. getting sober was the greatest gift i ever gave myself. my life sober is beyond my wildest dreams. give yourself that gift too. you'll never ever regret it.