So here I am, again. I hate the cycles I go thru. Up and down, and up and down. I don't get angry, I don't act out, I keep my aggitation and mood swings well hidden. No one will ever know there is something wrong again. I am a great actress, a clown who puts on a show. Yet, underneath it all - I am numb. I feel nothing.

This is how it starts... I slowly slip and then before I know it, it's too late. I was just told yesterday by the Doctor that I am to be off work for the next 6 months. 6 months? How am I going to survive? Do I care... not really. Bury me in my hole and leave me to die.

I can't tell you how many times in the last month or so that death has called to me. I have accepted failure. I will never be what I want to be in this life, I will go no where. I have no family, I dont have very many friends... a social outcast.

I have my beautiful, wonderful fiance by my side (who also suffers from Bipolar Type II) which can make things so much better or that much worse. It can be difficult, but I love him so much, he means the world to me.

I am a black hole. Empty nothingness.

I have recently been reading up on BPD, Schizophrenia, Acute Psychosis, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder and Depersonalization Disorder - I have reason to believe that I may be suffering from more than just Bipolar (not to say I'm suffering from any or all of the aforementioned). All I know is something is just not right about me.

I am cold, numb, uncaring, I live in a fantasy world, I have extreme highs and lows, I feel detached, I lie to get what I want, I scheme and manipulate people to get what I want and when I want it. I have urges to do bad things and I am thrilled and excited at the idea of it. I have these illusions of grandeur, I have trouble facing reality and I feel that I dont belong in this world. The list goes on but I am not going to divulge everything here.

Like I said, something is not right..