I just want to thank you guys so much for your support. But one thing that always still confuses me is this: Was it rape and/or abuse??? I mean, he was only 1 year and 3 months older than me, and the first time we did it, I agreed. I only wonder, because my mom is very adamant that he was abusive, and an evil guy, etc.
Now every time she sees him, she treats him like a leper! If he needs a place to crash, she makes him sleep outside in the van. It's just.... it's hard for me to call it rape or abuse in good conscience, because there WERE some instances when I consented. I don't like to consider myself a victim, and I know I've heard it from others before that I WAS a victim...... but still.
I also feel more confused than ever lately. It's been two years since the last time I've had any physical contact with him, but I still can't let it go, and that bothers me. It wasn't like there was any loving feelings exchanged. In some instances, it was just downright weird; there were times that he got all riled up after we'd finished doing it, and he'd accidentally knock me out of bed, or wrestle me down and just hold me down. I still don't understand what those things meant. I mean, our relationship started in the beginning of winter, and the first time we did it was outside in the backyard, with me laying bare-bottomed in the snow like an animal
There were other times we'd get done and I would try to get up to go to the bathroom, but he would reach out and grab me by my hair and pull me back into bed. Those kinds of things, I just can't understand
Now, I am currently in an in-home therapy program, and because I am doing worse lately, I am trying to enroll in a day-treatment program..... and when they ask me the nature of our relationship, what do I tell them?