For five years, I have been dealing with serious issues, which I have been told is major depression and PTSD. But I don't really know if that is accurate. The reasons I say this are as follows:
1.) Hallucinations- I have been dealing with vivid hallucinations, both auditory and visual. The auditory hallucinations for me are hearing voices, and it's very disturbing. I've explained them to my p doc before, but I was very vague because I'm so embarrassed. You see, I told my doc that I heard voices that insulted me and called me names. That's true, but when she asked me what they were calling me, I couldn't bring myself to repeat the insults because I felt them to be too vulgar/crass. The voices have also told me to hurt myself/others, and during one of my psychiatric hospitalizations, I told the nurses/doctors there; but they really didn't do anything except make sure I wouldn't act on them.
2.) This leads into my second point. I don't think anybody believes me when I talk about the voices, and I don't think they understand that while I can smile and laugh and enjoy myself sometimes, that I have this constant, CONSTANT horrible feeling of self-hatred, suicidal thoughts and incredible pain. I'm also pretty sure that they just want me to go away and try to medicate me just to shut me up. I KNOW for sure that a lot of people dislike me, and as soon as I leave the room, they start talking bad about me and even try to find ways to embarrass me (i.e.- starting rumors).
3.) I feel an almost constant desire to die and/or kill myself- EVEN if I seem to be in a "good place". I also feel like I always want to hurt my self otherwise; for example, I cut and burn myself and I used to pop pills. And I always find myself thinking things like "Oh, I should hide that little pocket knife for later", or "I should steal those benzos when no one is looking", even when I am in that "good place" or have no real intent or drive to immediately hurt myself. It's just ALWAYS there. The feeling of wanting to do something bad like that is always there.
4.) I always feel torn; I want SO badly to be alone and have some peace and quiet, but I am also afraid of being afraid for too long, because I don't know what will happen. I sometimes get scared for no reason at all.
5.) I have really strange thoughts and feelings. I think about strange things- for example, I think about cutting myself or getting in a fight with someone- and when I do I have strange feelings, like joy and fear at the same time.
6.) I have these times where I will space out; I feel out of my body, but like I can still see and control what I do and say. My therapist tells me it's called dissociating. But then I have these other times, when it's different from dissociating, where I lose all track of time and kind of blackout; only to "reemerge" later on and have done things I didn't know about, sometimes dangerous things like cutting. One time I even lit up a cigarette and apparently smoked it, and dropped hot ashes on the floor. When I came to, I noticed the burn marks on the carpet; and quite frankly, I'm lucky I didn't start a house-fire!
7.) I do EVERYTHING in stages; I'll watch a movie over and over again, to the point where I can recite the lines-until I suddenly lose interest and can no longer follow the plot and script. Then, it's on to a new movie. Same goes for TV. I also go through these phases where all of a sudden I will want to draw/paint all the time; then, when I lose the aptitude for drawing, I'll do the same thing with reading; then writing. This gets in my way when it comes to school, because I will go through these intervals of doing boatloads of homework and getting great grades, only to suddenly lose all comprehension of what I am looking at/learning about. It's like all the info is lost!
8.) I get these horrible mood swings; not "depressed" to "manic" like you might see in bipolar patients. I stay in the "negative emotions" realm, and sway from depressed to angry/irritable, to weepy and suicidal. It's a roller coaster, but it never goes all the way up to the top (the top being really happy; or if it does reach the top, it's really short-lived.)
9.) Crazy-inconsistent sleep- mostly insomnia, nightmares, night terrors, and sleep walking/talking.
Other little tid-bits that add to the mix are confusion/disorientation, loss of appetite, memory loss/forgetfulness, feeling hollow and completely overwhelmed by emotion at the same time, apathy, and sometimes just flat-out LOST. Anybody else have similar symptoms??? What have you been diagnosed as??? Any advice on what could really be going on??? I have my doubts about the whole depression diagnosis.