Hi Always,

You know, you may have hit on something......"sharing" my therapist....... I do have terrible anxiety of being left out when there's more than myself and another person. I never thought about it but maybe that's part of it.... I'm afraid I'll be put aside just like when I was little.... I couldn't measure up to my older siblings..... I got pushed aside every time.

However, I'm very very afraid of saying anything to my T. about it..... I'm so afraid he'll be mad at me.......... does that sound dumb?? I'm afraid he'll say that maybe I should go find someone else if I'm the one having the problem about it.... or maybe he'll say "gee, thanks for the confidence in me"-- real sarcastic like. Being misunderstood is a big problem for me and a T. misunderstanding me would..... well..... I get shakey just thinking about it.

*** caution***** below may be triggering to some****

Now, this reality thing is where I'm REALLY struggling. There must be an absolute reality..... isn't there?? Like when I was subjected again and again to having to watch, while I was a child, another child being physically abused and couldn't do anything about it....... then I'm just as bad as the abuser--- this is my reality. So, if there is no "true" reality..... then my reality of being a bad person can be correct? Also the abuser never thought she was doing anything wrong..... like the children she beat-- they should have been beat even resulting in broken bones-- that is her reality--- is her reality correct too??? She was right in what she did.... How can so many realities be correct???

Am I wrong for not being able to help? Is the abuser wrong for hurting? can we both be wrong? I'm so lost..................

thank you for your reply-- it means a lot to me.

mandy